Potions Class Mayhem
by omnipotent otaku
Summary: Harry accidentally turns Malfoy's potion into a love potion. SLASH! R&R, please. -COMPLETE-
1. Of Thorns and Old Green Chocolate

Title: Potions Class Mayhem

Title: Potions Class Mayhem

Chapter: Of Thorns and Old Green Chocolate

Rating: T (PG-13)

Notes: ... :D Mwahaha. I've been going on a slash fic reading spree. This is the result.

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all related characters, I own thee not!

* * *

When Harry, Ron, and Hermione entered Potions, Professor Snape said to them, "Potter, you sit with Malfoy. Granger, you sit in that empty seat over there. Weasly, sit somewhere far away from your friends."

"Er... why-" Harry began.

"Because I feel like it Potter," Snape said nastily. Harry glared at him and sat down next to Malfoy. Malfoy smirked.

"Anyway," Snape said, "today you shall brew a potion that will sharpen your senses and improve your reflexes. It will also improve your memory for a few hours. I think this potion might come in handy for you, Longbottom."

Neville frowned and a few people laughed. Snape turned and started putting the direction up on the board. Malfoy whispered to Harry, "I heard that Neville lost his way while walking across the street to his house once. Do you think he'll have to drink this potion whenever he goes out so he can remember how to get back?"

"Shut up, Malfoy," Harry said.

"Wow, Potter, do you like Neville or something, sticking up for him like that?"

"Go boil yourself, Malfoy."

"Look at you, blushing like a lovesick schoolgirl. So tell me, is Longbottom your boyfriend?"

"Mr. Malfoy, I know that whatever you and Potter are discussing is probably fascinating, but would you please pay attention?" Snape said. "Ok, the directions are up. If you somehow mess up, the worst thing that could happen to you would be a lost apatite." Crabbe and Goyle looked horrified.

Harry and Malfoy started preparing their ingredients. Malfoy threw his beetle eyes into his cauldron while saying as many insulting things as he could. Harry tried to ignore him. Then, when Malfoy turned around to talk to Pansy, Harry pulled a bit of old, green chocolate out of his pocket, along with a few thorns from a thorn bush Harry fell into on the grounds. He threw the ingredients into Malfoy's cauldron.

When the potions were done, Snape said, "Alright, you will each drink your potion. If you did everything correctly, you will instantly feel much more awake and aware. Some of you may even feel lighter and happier. Well, go on, try your potions!"

Everyone dipped their vials into their potions and then drank from them. When Harry drank his, he noticed that he indeed felt very awake and his senses were working very well. Everyone else's potions seemed to have worked too, even Neville's. Everyone's except Malfoy's. Malfoy had a glazed look on his face.

"Malfoy?" Harry said. "You alright?"

Snape approached their table and said, "What's wrong, Malfoy?"

Malfoy stared at Snape with a dreamlike expression, and then said, "Oh, Professor! I never noticed it before but... you're SO hot!" Then he giggled insanely. Snape looked absolutely mortified.

"Wh-what are you saying Malfoy?" Snape asked, backing away. The rest of the class was in a shocked silence.

"Hold me, darling!" Malfoy exclaimed, taking off after Snape. Snape ran screaming.

The class finally reacted. The girls laughed like crazy while the boys cringed. Hermione ran over to Harry, wiping her eyes. "Oh my GOD, this is insane!" She laughed. Ron came over too, but he looked disgusted instead of amused.

"This is sick. Plain sick," Ron said, shaking his head.

"Maybe I shouldn't have added those thorns and that old, green chocolate..." Harry said thoughtfully.

"WHAT!" Hermione cried. "You don't put those things into potions! They create love potions that make you fall in love with anyone of the same sex as you!"

Harry stared at Hermione. "Are you serious!" He said, spazzing slightly.

"I'm afraid so, Harry," she said gravely. Then she grinned. "But you have to admit, this is rather funny!"

"Excuse me while I throw up in the corner." Ron said, hurrying away.

* * *

Excuse teh shortness. I am lazy.

Well, tell me what you think! I'll try to update next week, after testing is over. I hate comps...

**EDIT as of 3/28/08**:

Fixed some typos and whatnot. :D And fixed some characterization. We don't want anyone to be _too_ OOC, do we?


	2. Pairings Galore

Chapter: Pairings Galore

Notes: I'm sorry for the long update. So much stuff's been going on, including my computer dying u.u; When it got fixed, all my old fics that I had on the computer had to be erased. -sigh- oh, and this takes place I guess in like, Harry's 5th year-ish. So yea…

Disclaimer: I own not Harry Potter but I do own the 6th book and I finished it yesterday and I am HAPPY!

* * *

Harry, Ron, and Hermione went into the Great Hall later that day, exhausted. Since it was Harry's fault Malfoy took the potion, he was yelled at byMcGonagall, and then she forced him to find Snape. Ron and Hermione offered to help and they found him at the top of the astronomy tower an hour later in fetal position, insisting that he was a shrubbery. He was led to the hospital wing. Malfoy was there also, but Madam Pomfrey couldn't find a cure to the potion, so she released him saying, "What harm can he do?" But as the trio entered the Hall, they saw that there was quite a bit of harm done already. 

Malfoy was bent down on one knee in front of Dean, saying, "Will you marry me, Dean?" while Pansy Parkinson was furiously hitting Malfoy over the head with her schoolbag. Filch was nearby, looking too scared to approach Malfoy. There was a group of giggling girls nearby and boys backing away slowly. Harry Ron and Hermione exchanged looks, and then Harry shouted "Stupefy!" and stunned Malfoy. Dean looked relieved and ran as fast as he could out of the Hall. Harry went over to Malfoy, grabbed him by the ankles, and started dragging him away. Ron and Hermione followed.

Harry brought Malfoy to the nearest empty classroom he could find and then said, "Enervate!" Malfoy's eyes opened. Ron decided to hide behind a desk. "What happened?" Malfoy muttered.

"I stunned you. Anyway, we need to talk, Malfoy," Harry said.

Malfoy suddenly bounced up and said, "So you'll bear my children?"

There was a thud which meant that Ron had fainted. Hermione covered her mouth with her hand to keep herself from laughing too hard. Harry flushed and said, "N-no! That's sick!"

Malfoy looked at Harry curiously and said, "What's so sick about it?"

"Everything! I'm a _guy_, Malfoy!" Harry said.

"Oh Harry, you're so sexy when your flustered." Malfoy said with a giggle.

At that moment, the door opened and Neville came in, saying, "Harry, I've been looking for you! McGonagall wants you to-" But before he could finish what he had to say, Malfoy tackled him and said, "Marry me, my darling Longbottom!" Neville shrieked, threw Malfoy off of him, and bolted. Malfoy went after him.

"… Well, I guess I should see McGonagall then."

- - -

Harry went into McGonagall's office, alone. Hermione had to bring Ron to the nurse to get treated for shock. McGonagall was looking at Harry with an extremely severe look on her face. "You wanted me, Professor?" Harry mumbled, staring intently at the floor.

"Yes, Potter," McGonagall said. "I heard that Malfoy's been proposing. He's been seen stalking many people, you know. And he even asked a group of first years to bear his children."

"Oh, really?" Harry said, determined to keep his eyes on the floor.

"Yes. Cases like this are very bothersome Potter. And like I said in our previous meeting, there is so cure yet.Known cure that is."

"Yes, Professor."

"So it's your job to find a cure."

Harry finally looked up. "Me? Find a cure? But I can't!"

"You could get Granger to help you. And you could also ask someone else you know." McGonagall said.

"Who, Professor?" Harry asked, bemused.

"A certain godfather or yours." McGonagall responded. Harry looked at her, a bit stunned.

"What does he know about it?" Harry inquired.

"Much more then you."

* * *

Fwah. Cliffhanger. What does Sirius know about this? Makes you wonder, don't it? 

Review please!

**NOTE: **In case you didn't know, this Sunday I shall go on a two week camping trip upstate (um... upstate New York... Saranac Lake, if you really wanna know). So I shall not be able to update in that time. I'll try to write more chapters while I'm away, so yea.


	3. Sirius' Solution Flashback time!

Chapter: Sirius's Solution. (Flashback time!)

Notes: Heh. About the last chapter… Miroku was my inspiration. I'm glad people noticed… but it would be a bit hard not to. So, um, yea! Oh, and I'm not sure what classes Sirius and the gang took in their 6th year… so… fwah. And if you don't know who Professor Slughorn is… then read the 6th book. He was the Potions Master when Sirius was in school. And I know this because it said in the book that Harry's mother was one of his favorite students. And they were in the same year. Yea.

Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter or Sirius Black. But I wish I did own Sirius -giggle-

* * *

Harry stood outside Number 12, Grimmauld Place, still pondering what Sirius knew. Was his godfather, in fact… _gay?_ Harry shuddered. He'd rather not think about that. He knocked on the door, and it was opened almost instantly by Sirius.

"Harry, I'm so glad Dumbledore let you to visit!" Sirius said, beaming. "Come in, come in."

Sirius moved aside and allowed Harry entry. He led Harry to the familiar dining room table. They both sat down, and Sirius said, "So, Dumbledore told me that you turned Malfoy's potion into a gay love potion, right? Well, something similar happened when I was in school… it was my sixth year…"

- - - **FLASHBACK** - - -

Sirius and Remus entered Potions class, only to find the rest of the class standing in the back of the room. Professor Slughorn stood up from his desk and said, "Good! Now that everyone's here, we can assign you partners! I know you want to be with your friends, but I think it would be more fun if you were paired up with people from different houses."

Slughorn started pairing up the students. Remus was paired with a Ravenclaw girl, and he saw Lily get paired with a Hufflepuff boy. When Slughorn got up to him, he looked at the remaining students, and said cheerfully, "You and Mr. Snape then."

Sirius retched. Slughorn pretended to not hear, and went to pair the last couple of students together. Sirius and Snape sat down at an empty table. Sirius scowled. He was paired up with _Snape_ of all people. Greasy, slimy Snape. He glared at the Slytherin who glared right back and started unpacking his potion ingredients. Sirius unpacked his also.

Slughorn explained about the potion they had to make. If made correctly, it would extend their lives by at least a week. They would each make it in their own cauldrons, but they had to help each other because the potion was really difficult to make. Then at the end of the class, they would have to drink their potions. Slughorn put the directions on the board and told them to start.

The first fifteen minutes of the class were ok. Sirius and Snape were occupied with slicing and measuring their ingredients. The trouble started when they had to add the ingredients and stir. Snape tried to take some of Sirius' ingredients when Sirius wasn't looking, to keep Sirius from getting the potion right. Sirius, luckily, caught him each time. So Snape whispered insults at him instead.

Sirius felt like cursing the grease ball and sending him to the hospital wing, but he didn't want to do so in front of a teacher. He decided to mess up Snape's potion instead. He "accidentally" knocked over one of Snape's ingredients. Snape was about to grab his wand, but Slughorn called over to them from his desk, "Clean up that mess!" Snape looked murderous as he turned away from Sirius.

Sirius stuck his hand into his pocket and pulled out whatever was in it. He found a very old piece of chocolate from an admirer on Valentine's Day, a wilted rose also from the admirer, three Knuts, a Sickle, and a part of last month's transfiguration homework. He quickly threw the chocolate into Snape's cauldron. Then he quickly pulled a bunch of the thorns off the rose and threw them in too. He stuffed the other items in his pocket just as Snape finished cleaning up the mess.

When the class was over, Slughorn told everyone to drink their potions. They filled their vials and drank from them. Sirius didn't feel any different, but Slughorn said that meant nothing went wrong. Sirius looked at Snape to see if anything horrible happened to him from drinking the ruined potion. Snape looked dazed.

"Are you alright, Mr. Snape?" Slughorn asked. "You look funny."

Snape smiled at Slughorn and said, "Thank you for your concern, my darling Professor."

Slughorn raised an eyebrow and said, "Maybe you should go to the hospital wing."

Snape stared intently at Slughorn. Slughorn sighed and said, "Mr. Black, escort him there" The professor then walked over to another table.

"What's up with you?" Sirius asked Snape, who was giggling like a lovesick schoolgirl.

"I'm just thinking about how cute you are," Snape giggled.

Sirius brought Snape to the hospital wing at lighting speed.

- - - **END FLASHBACK** - - -

Sirius stopped talking and he stared at his hands with an odd look on his face.

"What happened next?" Harry asked.

"Well," Sirius said, "I brought him to the hospital wing. On the way there he said some things to students he passed by in the hall and they all went off to the headmaster to tell him. Then I had to go to the headmaster and explain what happened, and I got yelled at by the head of my house. Snape was released after that because there was nothing anyone could do."

"What happened next?"

"Well… um…"

"Did the effects of the potion just wear off?"

"No. It's just… Harry, do you promise not to tell anyone?"

"I promise!"

"Alright… well, I was escorting Snape from the hospital wing…"

- - - **FLASHBACK** - - -

Sirius walked down the hall with Snape, who was clinging to his arm and giggling. He had a headache from being yelled at. It wasn't his fault. It was Snape's. He should've just kept to himself during class. Sirius turned to Snape and said, "I really hate you."

"Aw, c'mon honey, don't lie," Snape giggled.

"I'm not lying," Sirius said. "I hate your guts and I hope you choke and die."

Snape pouted and said, "Sirius, that's not a nice thing to say."

"Don't give me that look. And get off my arm. You're contaminating it."

Suddenly, Snape got in front of Sirius and pushed him against the wall. Snape grinned before pressing his lips against Sirius'. Sirius couldn't move. He was in shock. And there was also the fact that Snape was holding him against the wall. Snape kissed Sirius again and ran his fingers through Sirius' hair.

Sirius finally pushed Snape away. He roughly wiped his lips and spit. He couldn't believe it. He just couldn't it. He shuddered and looked up and down the hall. To his relief, no one was there. He turned to Snape to yell at him, when he saw that Snape was looking around, confused.

"What's going on?" Snape asked. "Aren't we supposed to drink our potions now?"

Sirius stared at Snape. "You don't remember anything?" he inquired.

"Remember what? What happened?"

"Um… c'mon… hospital wing…"

- - - **END FLASHBACK** - - -

Harry gaped at Sirius, who turned red.

"So, he… kissed you… and then he was fine," Harry said. "Does that mean... me and Malfoy...?"

"I'm afraid so Harry," Sirius said.

Harry put his hand over his eyes and groaned.

* * *

You have NO idea how hard it was for me to write that kissing scene. I was twitching so badly. Of course, I could've put in more detail but it's bad enough that I'm Catholic and writing stuff like this to begin with. And reading stuff like this. OMFG, I'M GOING TO HELL! -spaz-

And Ume, I'm sorry for bothering you about it XD I'm really sorry! GOMEN NASAI! WAH, FORGIVE ME! –curls up in a corner and hugs a Jesus plushie-

Ok… review… and Ume, feel free to shoot me for overreacting XD


	4. Interrogation

Chapter: Interrogation.

Notes: Ok, three things.

1) Thank you, safire flame for pointing out that typo XD I overlooked it, I guess.

2) I'm sorry if my author's note at the end of the last chapter was offensive to anyone. I'm not against Catholics being gay. If I really was, this fic and most of my other fics wouldn't be up. I'm just scared that a 14 year old Catholic schoolgirl like me is writing gay kissing scenes (between SNAPE and SIRIUS of all people). But seriously, there's a lot of slash fanfiction where the characters do things that indeed ARE against the Catholic religion. I should know, because I read stuff like that and I HATE myself for it and I know I'm going to hell for it (I hate you, Sockren XD). But hey, at least my friends are coming with me :D

3) This chapter is gonna be notoriously short. Mostly because I have slight writers block. I don't want to… rush into things, you know? Because if I did, this would be the last chapter. And you don't want that… do you? O.o

Disclaimer: I don't own this fic. Wait… yes I do. Never mind.

* * *

Harry sat in the armchair in front of the fireplace, alone. He stared miserably at the iridescent fire, thinking about his talk with Sirius.The Gryffindor common room was unusually quiet, mostly because a vast majority of the Gryffindor males had encountered Malfoy and were too traumatized to speak, and the girls decided to lay off making fun of them for the time being. 

Ron and Hermione entered the common room and sat down next to Harry. Hermione said, "Harry, you've been really quiet since you got back from Sirius'. What happened?"

"Nothing," Harry muttered.

"Did he tell you how you can stop Malfoy?" Hermione asked

"… yes."

"What did he say? What do you have to do?"

"I… don't wanna talk about it."

"But Ron and I can help you!"

"I really don't need any help… with it… at all."

"Do you have to kill him? Is that what you have to do?"

"No."

Hermione scowled. "Then what do you need to do?"

"Something, alright?"

"Can you at lease give a hint?" Ron asked hopefully.

"No."

Hermione stood up angrily. "Fine, don't say anything!" she said, "I'll find out myself! C'mon Ron, library time!"

Hermione literally dragged Ron from the common room. Harry sighed. What would happen if Hermione and Ron found out? Maybe he could get it over with before Hermione figured anything out, then say the effects of the potion wore off. But what about the kissing itself? Harry though about this. Should he wait to Malfoy kissed him, or should he…

Harry shook his head. He didn't want to think about that just yet. He stood up and yawned. He would think up a plan tomorrow. Harry climbed the stairs to the dormitories.

* * *

See? Wasn't that short? Sigh sigh. 

I don't know when I'm gonna update. I MIGHT not update for awhile, since I don't know what to write for the next chapter.

Remember to review, everyone!


	5. Library Time

Chapter: Library Time

Notes: I'm sorry for the REALLY long update. Had a religion project, writer's block, and half of the media was spazzing over my school canceling prom :D And I'm sorry this chapter is short.

Disclaimer: Things I don't own- Harry Potter, Lucky Charms, a monkey, and a golden toilet.

* * *

Hermione put down the book she was skimming through. She looked through approximately 18 books so far. She glanced at Ron who was only on his third book.

"Ron, you have to read faster!" Hermione said.

Ron sighed. "I'm not a book person Hermione. I need to take my time so I don't miss anything."

"Then take your time faster!"

Ron stared at Hermione, who started flipping through another book. She had a strange look in her eyes. Ron had a feeling that Hermione had a pretty good idea of what Harry needed to do, but she probably needed to confirm it first before she said anything. He watched as Hermione frantically picked up the next book and started reading through it in a frenzy. Then she slammed the book shut.

"We need Restricted Section books. Do you know any gullible teachers?"

Ron started at Hermione with wonder. "Um...?"

"Of course, Hagrid!" Hermione nearly shouted. "We should go ask him! Let's go Ron!"

She dragged Ron from the library where they quite conveniently ran into Hagrid. Literally.

"Ey, careful Hermione!" Hagrid said when the girl collided with him.

"Sorry Hagrid." Hermione said. "Hey, can you give up permission to go into the Restricted Section? We just need you to sign-"

"Sorry Hermione, I'm a bit busy now. Meetings and such." Hagrid said and he hurriedly walked off toward the staff room.

Hermione looked ready to curse him.

"Hermione… calm down a bit? Maybe? Please?" Ron begged her.

Hermione took a deep breath. "Ok then," she said. "Tomorrow I'll just force Harry to tell me. I need to research some useful curses. You can go back to the common room, Ron. And don't you say ANYTHING to Harry, unless it's about what he needs to do… and if it's _that_ then… oh, I hope it isn't…"

"Isn't what?"

"Nothing Ron. I'll see you later."

Hermione ran back to the library, leaving Ron standing in the hall, confused.

* * *

Hermione's too smart. Um. Ok...

So yea. I'm really sorry about the shortness. Stupid writer's block.

Well... that's it... ideas welcome... um, bye.


	6. Revelation

**Chapter:** Revelation.

**Notes:** I am sorry (as usual) for not updating in forever. Almost a year, actually. The last update was 10/27/05, wtf. XD -shot-

Anyway, this will be the last chapter, since I don't know how I can extend it any further. Enjoy.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the DracoxHarry pairing, but I love it. :D

* * *

Harry awoke early in the morning, determined to get the whole affair over with. Quietly, as not to disturb the others, he dressed and headed down the stairs. However, when he reached the common room, Hermione jumped out from behind an armchair and nearly tackled Harry, who said, "Hermione, what are you _doing_?" 

"Tell me what you need to do to stop the potion's effects," Hermione said. "I think I know, but I need to be sure. I'll go crazy if you don't tell me."

Harry could tell.

"Look Hermione, I… need to test it first. If it works, I'll tell you what I did."

Suddenly, Hermione grinned. "Then it IS that," she said. "I can tell what you're thinking, Harry. You think you can do what you need to then lie to me about it, but I know better. Oh yes."

Color crept into Harry's face, and he averted his gaze. Hermione then placed her hands on his shoulders and said, "Harry, I know what you have to do. You have to…"

Hermione stopped, probably for a dramatic effect. Harry, after a moment of complete silence, became sick of it all and began saying, "Ok then! You're right! I need to ki-"

"Hit him with a broomstick!" Hermione interrupted.

"…Excuse me?"

"Yes! Yes, a broomstick! Don't you see? I figured it out! Oh, how metaphorically correct, hitting him a broomstick! Genius! It's no wonder the library didn't help me at all. How could _books_ know? They haven't the arms to hold a broomstick! That's why, Harry! Exactly why!"

Hermione laughed hysterically. Luckily for Harry, Lavender came down from the girls' dormitory and said, "Oh, Hermione, _you're _the one making all that racket. Sorry Harry. She was up all night reading; it's just sleep deprivation. Come on, Hermione."

Lavender led Hermione upstairs. Harry breathed a sigh of relief and quickly exited the common room before anyone else could ambush him.

- - -

Harry found Malfoy rather quickly, since the latter was waiting for him right outside the portrait hole. Malfoy threw his arms around Harry and said, "Potter, we should get married."

Harry laughed nervously and replied, "Yeah, about that, let's discuss it somewhere private."

"Trophy room," Malfoy said at once. "No one's in there this early."

Harry consented to this and hurried off. Malfoy followed behind him, occasionally attempting to hold Harry's hand. When they entered the trophy room, Harry asked Malfoy, "So, what shall we do?"

"Cuddle!" Malfoy exclaimed. He tackled Harry to the ground and snuggled up against him. Harry, terrified, didn't know what to do, so he went along with it. After a short while, he asked, "Isn't there anything else you'd like to do?"

"Yes, but the last kid I suggested it to is still in the hospital wing for trauma. And a teacher yelled at me and said I was underage, or something."

Harry really didn't want to know. "Well, what about… kissing?"

Malfoy giggled. "Oh Harry, I thought you'd never ask!"

Malfoy sat up, and Harry followed suit. They gazed at each other, neither making a move.

"Well?" Harry asked. "Hurry up."

"You suggested it," Malfoy said. "You should kiss me."

"No, no," Harry protested, "it would be better if you kissed me."

"Why?"

"I'm a bit shy about it."

"How demure and maidenly of you!" Malfoy said.

Before Harry could react to Malfoy's comment, Malfoy was leaning towards him. Harry shut his eyes. No, he didn't want to see any of it.

When Malfoy did kiss him, it was different from what Harry expected. Judging by Malfoy's previous giggling and need to cuddle, Harry thought Malfoy would be a rather gentle kisser. He was not. Actually, he was quite rough. He soon pushed Harry onto the floor and continued kissing him there. Harry tolerated it until Malfoy's tongue got involved. Harry, at that point, spazzed and shoved Malfoy off of him.

But he felt strange. He actually felt elated. And no, it wasn't because the potions effects had stopped working on Malfoy, who was now staring at Harry, bemused.

"What's going on? Why aren't we in class?" Malfoy asked. "Potter, what did you do?" He got on his feet and glared at Harry.

Harry, who quickly figured out why he felt happy, grinned. He stood up and said, "Oh, I did something to your potion."

"What? What did you do? And I swear Potter, if you don't stop grinning I'll hex you."

"Oh, it was nothing, Malfoy. It, uh, didn't work correctly. You see, I put old chocolate and thorns in your potion. Maybe I needed to put it my potion too for it to work. Yes, actually, I think that's it."

Harry noted the malicious gleam in Malfoy's eye. He really hoped Malfoy would try it next class.

**THE END**

* * *

I went though about five endings before I wrote something I liked. XD; 

In case you're wondering, there will be no sequel about them and they're soon-to-be potion-induced yaoi relationship. Sorry. XD

Well, I hope you enjoyed the fic. It was a lot of fun for me to write. :D

Bye!


End file.
